I am feeling great today. Really great today. Amongst the various other reasons, one of the reasons is today after a very very long time and after certain trials during all this time, finally, today, I think I would be able to write something. I was really feeling bad as if I have lost my capability to write anything, but today is a special day; I am feeling normal again :-) Yea, I know many of you would say that I can never be normal, but people, I'll ignore all of you as of now, because I am really happy. I just know read a quote on facebook, which goes like this: Emotions spread so rapidly that your happiness can affect not just your children, spouse and close friends, but 258 people in a single day...:-) I do not know how the golden no. 258 was derived, but reading this quote has now made me happier :-) :-)

Recently I have been speculating a lot on the way most of us are leading are lives. I want to ask all of you a question. Are you guys really happy in what you are doing? If you'll ask me, I would say a big 'NO'. I have been badly feeling that the life had been dragging me all these years, rather than I doing something to make my life worthwhile, so that when I grow old, I may not look back and say that I have wasted my entire life doing nothing and specially losing all of the few interests that I used to have. I'll elaborate this. A few years back, in later school years and graduation, I used to read a lot of books, I loved them. I could read almost anything and everything, but now I have lost the capability to a great extent. I have atleast 5 half read books with me at present. I simply lose interest too soon. I loved to write, and as I said earlier, I was simply unable to. I loved talking to people, but I started ignoring them. I was not feeling myself(I say 'was', because I feel something has changed very recently).

Now I think I know what the problem is. The problem is I am wasting greater amount of my time in office doing something which I do just because I am somehow here and supposed to do it. The hours spent in office learning nothing new is growing a feeling of stagnancy inside me. I have lost track of the current affairs, I hardly read a newspaper, I hardly go playing, I hardly have a track of whats happening around me. I have either become insensitive or over-sensitive.

I'll tell you about somebody who is 2 years junior than me. A fresh passout from IITD, she is my flatmate and has been working for almost 6 months now. She earns atleast 6 times than what I earn, and now she has decided to quit her job. The reason, because she wants to learn dancing and continue painting. I talked to her today and the way she was explaining the reasons behind this decision of hers, I was almost feeling as if it is I who is speaking rather than her. The only difference being she has already decided to quit, but I still havenot. I have not decided not because I do not have that courage, but because there are still a few things which are preventing me to take this decision. But I don't think those will hold me for a long time. I want to join an NGO, I want to teach children especially my brother and want him to be successful and come out with flying colours. I am just waiting for a day when I can see this happening.........

Hoping that the day is not far away...............................................

Emotions: I hate them!!!

"I hate to be Sentimental because it drives me Semi-Mental"- Nidhi.
There are times when I am engulfed in a sudden downpour of emotions. I don't know how come I am attacked in such a fierceful manner and easily get overpowered. At these times, I end up being in total shambles. I literally have nothing in my control. These are the times when I hate myself, hate myself badly. I want to get free of myself. I want to escape myself. I want to hide myself in the deepest, darkest corner of this world. I feel like choking myself to death, because I can no longer bear the pain. The pain which has no origin, it even has no destination. When I try to learn the reason behind it, I can find almost none. I cannot imagine my bad luck that there is simply no reason for my tearful state. Seems as if God has given me a double dose of these emotions and sentiments while creating me. "Lord ! If you wanted me have something extra, could you just not endow me with double dose of brains, rather than these stupid, idiotic, waste garbage articles a.k.a EMOTIONS.

Everyday I feel an urge to update my blog with a new entry. I think I have something my mind to write about. When I start giving words to my thoughts, they seem to disappear away. The latest I decided to dedicate a blog to the people, apart from my parents, who have created a difference in my life, all those who have been the reasons for my happiness and a smile on my face. I started recollecting memories of childhood. First name that came to my was Reena, my pal since grade 6. Being a good friend and also a neighbour, we have spent quantity time together. I still remember when she confided to me her first crush or rather say I made her confess the same. That was in std.9. I still remember her innocent words... "nahi nahi, aisa kuch nahi, but just as a friend I like him".LOL.. Goddamn.. she is still in deep committment to the same guy. They are going to celebrate their 8th valentines day together the next year :) . She is still the same confidant to whom I tell the silliest of my worries, a person who knows me in and out. The next person that makes to my list is Pulkit. The first guy I ever came so close too. He had been with me through all the thick and thin of my life. He was always there for me as my mentor, as my guide. Whenever I was in doubt, trusting him meant the easiest solution out. Its still the same :) . My school days almost revolved only around both of them. Then I landed up in Banasthali Vidyapith. Met Amrit and her cute smile. Her motherly manners always made me feel protected. She has done a lot for me, which I can never repay. Then got a chance to know Naina and the innocent female inside her. Got to know Reema also. Talking my heart out to her was always a pleasant experience. She seemed to understand what I wanted to say very easily, without making me explain. At one point of time, she seems to be the greatest kid on planet earth and at others quite a mature lady. In 3rd year of graduation, got a chance to know Romi closely. She is the only female whom I could gather up the courage to say anything. I felt the most fearless whenever I was with her. The things always seemes simpler whenever I was around her. Criticising each other openly and publically was a thing which we were the most comfortable and good at. We used to roam about in the hostel corridor, discussing almost any damn thing at the top of our voices and caring the least about others hearing the same. Also in 3rd year, in a very short span of time, I made friends with Manish over internet. Whenever I got bored of the boring routine of our jail, internet provided the only means of recreation. I still remember how the time flew by when I chatted with him over yahoo initially then gtalk. He was the first person whom I found to be both a geek and a nerd. The college life came to an end and I joined Tech Mahindra. The first time ever in my life I made some wrong judgements. I met 2 persons whom I trusted to be good friends but my trust was shattered away. It was the first time when I came across people who seemed so simple and sturdy from outside, but were the hollowmost people I have ever met. The illusion, which I had till date, that the life is full of good people, faded away. I was completely caught off guard. Anyways it didn't take me long to overcome the shock as I came into good terms with other people. Met Dilpreet Sir. He is the only person I have met till date who seems to carry solution for every problem and a answer for everything thats been ever said. I used to envy his extra quick wits, which I do now also. Then came across Kamal Sir and started loving the way in which he made me feel a little stubborn kid aged no more than 10 years. His extremely down to earth attitude is really worth admiring. In her 3rd year of graduation my sis Smriti came to share my flat with me in NOIDA. That was the time I came closest to her despite all the years of knowing her initially. It feels great to pamper her and also to feel pampered at the same time. She indeed is a better and an improved version of me ;). Also in this year I made another net friend Rohit, who later on became a phone friend. We use to have lengthy discussions over topics such as life and its various aspects. Even though we don't use to talk too often, but whenever I get a chance to talk to him, I start feeling as if I have lessened some complexity inside me. Things seem to be more clear and real. As I am about to end this topic, I suddenly realize having missed two people, Manpreet and Pranav, my oldest friends since grade 6. Manpreet is the most emotional guy I have ever met and Pranav is the most hard working and organized guy (besides my father), who knows to give the correct priority to the correct things at the correct time.

I am not compelling anyone to read this blog entry. Read at your own risk. Don’t blame me afterwards for having made you read something which is of no concern to you.

Friendship’s day and here I am going to write my heart out. Today I feel like writing about such a person, about whom I am even unsure I would be able to write or not. The reason is simply because I am unsure I would be able to use the right words or I will be able to give words to my feelings for him. I am really privileged to have him as my best friend, though the case is reverse with him (Poor him). Today I am feeling worthless, coz I am realizing that I know very little about him and then I leave no chance to boast that he is one of the 2 best friends I have and to add here I am talking about my childhood friend. The first guy and the only guy I ever came so close. He knows me in and out. A person whom I can close my eyes and rely upon. My dumbness and non-caring attitude has always created huge troubles for him, but he has always been the non-complaining ones. I look back to the day when he became the best friend of mine. I really don’t know how it happened, coz we are just the opposite ones. I am always dumb, he is always alert. I don’t give a damn to most things, he knows to give the right importance to things. He is very soft spoken, I can hardly be soft-spoken. He has done a lot for me, I have done nothing for him. He knows the right code of conduct, I know it, but hardly follow it. In short he is very mature, I am very immature. “Kudos to you man, for having tolerated me all those years. I can go to any extent for you bro. I wish that at least once in lifetime, I get a chance to prove myself in front of you and I pray that may I excel in it”.

P.S: I didn’t write this blog entry to prove anything.

A lot is going on in my mind. Feel like writing everything up here. But again, these days, I am having dificulty to give words to my thoughts, which was never the case. A thing called as self satisfaction is nowhere in picture. I am shirking my responsibilities. This is the time when people around me, need me, but I am trying to escape. I never knew that I am such a coward. All these years I had a fake belief that I am very strong, bold and fearless. But I have come across the reality. Cowardice can't be any worse than what I am exhibiting, or maybe not exhibiting, but feeling within. I have found out that I am totally ignoring my priorities. I am living a passive life. Life is driving me, rather than I being its mistress. Whenever I learn something new, or do something good, I have this feeling that I can't hurt anyone or I can't do anything wrong. But today I am realizing that I have not been doing anything right till date. Not as far as doing justice with my near and dear ones is concerned. People say that I know how to value relationships, but the hard core reality of life is I have not at all done justice with the role of being a daughter, and that too the eldest child of the family. I really need to grow up and come out of the fantasyland I have built around me.

Learnt an important lesson today... 'Respect protocols' and remember that the people around you might be unaware of it.

I, Me, Myself

Sometimes I feel that I am turning very feelingless.. turning into a stony creature. Things which used to excite me the most, no longer hold much a value to me. That enthusiasm to go out of the way to make my near and dear ones feel special is slowly withering away. Forgetting birthday and wedding anniversaries, lack of interest to make special efforts to pick up a gift for someone. Somehow, somewhere the 'I' minded mentality is creeping in. These days I prefer to spend money on myself which is the vice versa case of what used to happen earlier, when I preferred buying gifts for others, rather than myself. I have no clue about the reason(s) which has let to this change. It really doesn't feel good this way.. :(